Rose Tyler being sucked into the Void in the Doctor Who episode ‘Doomsday’
Sunday 8th November 2009
So last night went pretty much to plan once my madness was over – until 2.30am.
I went to bed soon after X-Factor, about 10pm, cos I’d had a bad night on Friday and was very tired, so I must have gone to sleep soon after, just read for a little while. Then at about 2.15 I was woken by people walking home. I was lying there thinking about the phone call again (my brain is nothing if not tedious) when I heard footsteps coming towards the house. In my head I actually thought, ‘that’s not Steve cos it sounds like girls’ shoes’, but then the feet came down my gravel drive, and I heard banging on the door. That could only be Steve.
I answered cos he sounded fairly with it for him. I thought he might need money or something. Then he started telling me about how he’d been chatted up by some 19 year-old girl and he could have gone back to Cannock with her. I told him there were still taxis running. He said that wasn’t the point, that all the time he’d been thinking of me, and how she wasn’t me, and how he loved me.
So long story short, he stayed the rest of the night. No physical stuff, just to sleep. And partly because I couldn’t get rid of him.
Then this afternoon he came back again. He agreed that we had not been working before, but he wouldn’t accept any of the blame for that, just made out it was all my fault. We had a REALLY long talk (all afternoon), where in the end I said I hadn’t been happy the way things were, that heroin changed him too much, that I’d rather stay split than carry on the way we were.
He said he wanted us to give it one more go. And I’ve said I will. When he’d left I sat and cried and cried and cried. I have no idea why. I could still cry now.
I feel like I’ve opened the door to more heartache.
Saturday 18th July 2020
Wow, my subconscious may have been driving my actions, but a part of me deeply, deeply knew this wasn’t right.
Reading it back, it makes no sense. He took no responsibility, yet I took him back.
Well, that’s only one of the things that make no sense. Talk about codependent – I let him in, because he might need money or something!!
From this distance (and I must point out, I don’t actually have any memory of this night. There were way too many that were like this), I know what happened. Trying to stay separated from him was just too damn hard. Resisting the addiction was too much. I hadn’t even heard of No Contact, much less understood it.
This relationship was a shitshow. In my memory, I knew it was bad, but I didn’t remember it as so bad so soon. I had mentally moved these events to much later in the timeline, but no.
It should have ended after Lauren. It certainly should have ended at this point. I’d come so far. I’d resisted the hoover for so long. Then, like Rose Tyler trying not to get sucked into the void with the Daleks, I just couldn’t hold on any longer.
I didn’t have a Pete Tyler to save me.
[With apologies to all Doctor Who fans who will have no idea what I am talking about! Hopefully the picture helps]
That Was Then 