Visiting a fantasy destination as I began a fantasy relationship (if I’d only realised it)
Monday 5th February 2007
Just got back from the solicitor. She tells me that my husband cannot stop me divorcing, or even delay it, as the marriage has broken down so long as I think it has.
So far I’ve not instructed her, as my husband has no idea I’ve seen her, or that I am seeing Steve. I’m getting all the preliminary paperwork sorted out though, things like papers to say I still have right of occupation in the house even if I leave.
I’m still so scared about what will happen to my little boy, but he is so upset anyway at the atmosphere in the house that I don’t think it will make much difference.
We were in Eurodisney for my birthday in January, the week after I got back from Scotland. My husband had obviously thought this would bring about a reconciliation, but went mad when it didn’t, threw a big strop in front of our little boy, even though I asked him again and again not to. Little boy ended up crying and saying, ‘I want to swap my family.’ So do I.
I also don’t want Steve to think that this will automatically mean I’ll be moving in with him (although I might). I worry about the speed of this all. I wonder if I’m just letting the situation run away with me. Our feelings have happened so fast, and he has lost so much, I wonder if I’m just trying to prove to him how much I love him?
Then again, there is no future for this marriage. Why prolong the agony, for me, and for my husband, who doesn’t seem able to accept this is over? Maybe divorce will help him to move on. But that is probably me just trying to minimise the pain I am causing.
Steve phoned, and was so pleased about what the solicitor has said, and also the very fact of me going. I could hear his smile down the phone. I know he worries that I am not serious, when he feels so strongly and has given up so much for me. I used to worry that he was a drowning man clutching at me because I was a lifebelt. In fact I’ve turned out to be a lead weight.
But I am serious, I sort of think this is meant to be. Every time we meet we hear the Ordinary Boys singing ‘I luv u'(our song since we heard it on the way back from Scotland). I think that’s the Universe telling us something.
“Let’s be hasty, let’s be reckless
Cos being with you leaves me breathless”
Friday 17th February 2017
I remember this time, all this legal splitting up stuff so well. My husband had said he wouldn’t let me divorce him, hence the first paragraph – the relief of knowing that it could happen.
For all that I know I behaved badly, even in retrospect I have no regrets about the divorce itself. It was without a doubt the best thing for all of us – me, my now ex-husband, our son, and the new family my ex-husband now has. His wife has become a good friend of mine. Of course, there was no way to know this at the time.
The EuroDisney trip was pretty awful really. There were wonderful times with our son, he was 5, so it was magical for him, and magical to watch him. But I was talking to Steve on the phone at odd times when I had a chance, and that was where my heart really was. There was one particularly awful phonecall where he was sitting on a park bench in the dark and crying because he said he thought I didn’t love him. I was sitting trying to talk sense to him whilst not being able to speak above a whisper as I was in the bathroom and my husband was in the bedroom next to it.
I didn’t see how incredibly controlling his constant need for attention was.
Reading the entry above, I’m surprised at how many reservations I still had about Steve. In my mind, the story I’ve told myself, I had completely fallen hook, line and sinker for him. Yet here I am, discounting my doubts.
“Being with you leaves me breathless”. Yes, that would become even more true, much more literally.