Monday 5th February 2007
By mid morning last Monday I was really worried. Steve hadn’t texted last thing the night before like he usually does, and then hadn’t texted first thing either, which he always does if he misses last thing. So I tried to call him and his phone went straight to answering machine. A few times. Texted him and no reply either, so his phone was definitely off. So then I started getting freaked out.
Got in the car and went to the two building sites he’d been working on to look for him, but he wasn’t at either one, and neither was Jason, his partner (he was at another site). So I was now really worried. And also astonished at myself, because this is SO not like me. I was going to these sites thinking, ‘what the hell are you doing, woman!’
Went over to Sue’s in a big panic because I thought maybe he was making it up with the girlfriend and didn’t want to talk to me. Sue said to not be so stupid, that they were probably just talking things through and she’d told him to turn off the phone.
Then about midday, still at Sue’s trying not to cry, my phone rang. It was Steve, and he was just being released from Police custody. He was wondering if I’d come and pick him up because they’d taken him to the cells miles away in the second-nearest large town. He said he’d been arrested because Carol had locked him out then refused to give him his stuff and so he’d tried to kick the door down. But knowing Steve I said, ‘you kicked off at the Police when they came, didn’t you?’ and yes, he had, which was why he was arrested!
His phone was in Carol’s garage, so he hadn’t been able to call me before, and I was actually relieved that it hadn’t been that he didn’t want to text me!
So we went off and got him, and then he came back and went with his brother to get his stuff. I thought he’d be staying with his brother Monday night, but then at about 10.30 he phoned me to say he was in town with nowhere to stay, and was going to look for somewhere. I phoned Sue and she said he could stay at hers, so that’s what happened.
Apparently Carol really regretted calling the Police, and was fine when he went to get his things, and I thought she would still take him back, but he said no way, it is for the best, and he doesn’t have to sneak around now.
So I spent Tuesday trying to find him somewhere to live. Really difficult, no luck so far. That night my husband was away, so he stayed here. It feels so right, I can’t believe how well we get on all the time. I didn’t want him to go in the morning, I love him SOOOOO unbelievably much. I felt like telling my husband because he had been acting really weird anyway, but then I didn’t want to get Steve into trouble.
My husband had been reading this book about how to stay together for the sake of your child and still be happy. Stuff that. I’m NEVER going to have sex with him again, so how can that be a happy life? I don’t know what he wants, I am well confused, and do feel sorry for him, but have made it clear in no uncertain terms that even if he makes divorce difficult, I am never going to love him again.
Since then Steve and me have been looking for places for him to live, but still no luck. He’s currently staying with Jason and his girlfriend, but I’m still really worried about him.
Friday 10th February 2017
Just when I think 2007 me can’t get more vile, I go and prove me wrong 😦
This running off to pick Steve up from the Police station was the first indication of that whole codependency thing. Most people don’t get a feeling of familiarity from a mercy dash for someone. But it’s a feeling I was so familiar with – rushing off to see my brother after one of his mishaps. Going to meet him in a random place because he’d got into trouble. Something I often said to Steve was that he felt like Home. I didn’t realise that this wasn’t really a good thing.
And of course Carol wasn’t going to have him back, no way. Otherwise he’d have been there, I know that now.
I can excuse myself for not knowing what Steve was, I can understand the reasons I did the things I did, but I really, really wish I’d acted more honestly, more respectfully towards my ex-husband, and been a bit more understanding.
At the time, I remember the Justin Timberlake song ‘What Goes Around… Comes Around’ was often on the radio, and I could see how it applied to my husband and mine’s situation, and couldn’t help thinking that what was going around was going to come around for me. And it did.