Monday 5th Febuary 2007
So for almost the next two weeks Steve and me carried on seeing eachother in secret. Every night before he went to sleep we’d text back and forth for a while. Some afternoons I’d pick him up from work and we’d spend the afternoon in bed here.
Then Thursday 25th January he fell asleep with his mobile phone in his hand, still displaying my last text. He told me next morning, but said that he didn’t think Carol, his girlfriend, had noticed, because she hadn’t said anything.
Turned out she was just staying cool until he got home from work and then she threw a wobbly. Then she calmed down and Steve got off to his friend’s house thinking it was all temporarily ok, and phoned me about it. We were going to meet the next day for lunch. He was saying maybe it was for the best she’d found out, although he thought he’d convinced her it was nothing.
That Friday night at about 9.30 my phone started ringing incessantly. I didn’t recognise the number, so I didn’t answer it. Then I got a text message, ‘pick up the fuckin fone’. I knew it was Carol. My husband was in the room, and asking loads of questions, so I went up to bed. When the phone rang again I answered, but said nothing. Neither did she, but I could hear Steve saying, ‘just give me the keys.’
I tried to text him twice, but his battery had died when we were talking earlier in the evening anyway, and I also thought she might have his phone and me texting would make things worse. So I couldn’t sleep all night, spent most of the time crying, because I was so worried about him. He had to pick up his methodone on Saturday, and I was going to take him, and I wasn’t sure how he’d get it. I’m sure he’s not able to communicate, otherwise he would have. When we’d spoken earlier he was saying he felt guilty for upsetting her, but that it didn’t affect the way he felt about me, and he was really patching it up because otherwise he’d have to live with his brother (in the same town Keith lives in) and wouldn’t be able to see me so easily. Patching things up would mean he could find somewhere to live in Shifnal.
But none of that made me feel any better. By the next morning I was SOOOO worried, I felt like getting in the car and driving to where he was working, except I knew he couldn’t have been there or he’d have texted. So he had to still be with her. I was shaking, and crying and there was nothing at all I could do, except crazy things like phone Carol or go to the house, which would just have made matters worse.
Then Steve texted, and we met in the afternoon. It was so good to see him all in one piece and fine! He knew nothing about his girlfriend phoning, and though it definitely was her (I showed him the number), he thought she was drunk and then panicked when I did answer. And she didn’t phone after that, so I was inclined to agree.
We spent the afternoon walking his dog and talking. She had apparently been fine with him all the rest of Friday: it was me who was having the bad time that night, not him. I told him to be careful though: I suspected she didn’t buy his story and was letting him have enough rope to hang himself. Also, I wondered what the ‘keys’ thing had been about. I wasn’t sure he was telling me the whole truth.
He was definitely panicky that I didn’t feel the same as him and had this doublethink thing going on where he won’t believe how serious I was, but thought I should know exactly how he felt because he said it. I didn’t know what else I could do to convince him I loved him if the state I was in that morning didn’t do it!
He’d told her that I was someone he met while walking the dog (!!!), a week or so ago, and since my message said something about how I wanted to be in his arms like that afternoon, and that I loved him, either she wouldn’t really be believing him, or she’d think I was some kind of psycho! I was so not convinced she believed him. Not much either of us could do about that though.
We were both worried she’d be out looking for us that night when we went out with Sue and Heather. Steve thought she had calmed down a lot since her early twenties when she glassed a girl (she’s now 34), and thought she would be mortified at what she did phoning me. I wasn’t so sure.
So that night Steve, Sue, Heather and me were in a pub when Carol rang him. He went out to speak to her, and when he came back in he said we had to leave because he’d told her where he was (good move!). So the two of us drank up and arranged to meet H and S in the next pub. Carol’s party had been cancelled, so she was in the car and looking for him. As we walked out he said, ‘oh shit,’ and I realised it was her car, so I carried on walking to the back entrance and went back into the pub to tell Sue and Heather.
When he got back inside he said she’d known it was me, and she’d seen me ‘running’ back into the pub, which really pissed me off as I definitely didn’t run like some scaredy mare! She phoned him, and the whole pub heard them have a massive row. Then we all carried on and had a good night!
Unfortunately Amy and Colin (mine and my husband’s friends) were in one of the pubs and saw us kissing. Amy was fine about it, I didn’t think she’d tell my husband. Colin I was less sure about.
On Sunday my husband took our little boy out for the day, so Steve came around here and then we went to the pub. He sat in the window, and I asked him why he was sitting there, and he said it was obscured glass – except that was only one pane. So about 4pm Carol walked past and stuck her finger up at him. She then phoned and they had another row, she said his stuff was packed and on the driveway. He said he was just chatting with a friend, but she didn’t believe him.
Then she turned up at the pub and walked in and said hello and sat down. I was shocked, she really did look a lot older than me, and scarily like Gillian McKeith, poo doctor. She wanted to know how long it had been going on, and I said 2 weeks (which was what I knew Steve had told her), then she said did I know about her, and I said yes. She said, ‘so you’re a slutty little tart then, shagging him even though you knew about me.’ I said we hadn’t shagged, and she said was this just a friendship then? I said no, because I knew the way we’d been sitting when she walked in looked nothing like just friends. I said people couldn’t help the way they felt sometimes. So then she stropped off. I actually felt sorry for her, she was really upset. Although in my mind I was watching she never went anywhere near a glass!
Steve was only a bit upset, and we stayed in the pub afterwards, then when we left he said he’d text later. He did, that he was ok, but I didn’t know what had happened. I assumed he was still there at hers or he would have texted more.
But when I got home it turned out my husband had been to Amy and Colin’s for tea. He said they’d seen me in the pub the previous night and they’d said I was having a good time. It thought he must know. But if he let on, then he would have had to take some kind of action, so that’s why he wasn’t saying anything outright. It was getting messier and messier…..
Thursday 9th February 2017
I did multiple postings on the 5th Feb 2007. By the looks of it, I was posting diary entries I’d made in January, and joining them together to make posts – sometimes I switch tenses in a way that wouldn’t make sense otherwise.
It’s a horror story, isn’t it? Now, I cannot believe that I ever acted like that. All the lies and deception. I came to hate the way Steve lied to me, and one of the first things I did as a result of the relationship was stop lying myself. It seems really alien to read about my multiple lies, told without a qualm.
When I met Steve, I thought the fact that he admitted he had a girlfriend meant he was an honest person! It never occurred to me that this meant he was lying to his girlfriend constantly – which meant he was actually a liar. People reveal themselves, if you only can see what they are showing you.
If he’d lie to her, why wouldn’t he lie to me? Well, of course he was. I think I can imagine how that Friday night really went. She confronted him, tried to throw him out. He wanted to sleep in the car, she wouldn’t give him the keys. They made it up, he promised her it was all nothing, that it was her that he loved. He maybe told her I was deluded, stalking him, a nutter. He’d say whatever it took to smooth it all over. She believed him – until she saw us in the pub.
How come I can be so convinced this is how it went down? Because it’s pretty much how it happened to me. But in 2007, that was still a long way in the future…….