Service Station Romance
Monday 8th January 2007
When my husband had taken our little boy swimming, Steve came around, and then we went off to the service station on his car as he felt a bit uncomfortable at mine. Me too, I’m feeling like my husband is becoming really suspicious. Twice now he has gone out for a drink then come back within the hour saying his friend didn’t turn up, or he didn’t feel well.
It was actually really romantic. We parked looking out over the fields, and mostly just sat there snuggled up talking. Steve asked me what was going to happen after Scotland, and I had to tell him I’m off to Eurodisney two days after we get back, and I’ve not thought beyond that. I know he wants to tell me he loves me. He says it doesn’t matter if I have no money, it doesn’t matter if I weighed 20 stone, it’s me that he cares about and wants to be with.
He was supposed to be washing the car, but it was as dirty as ever when we went back an hour later. He drives like a lunatic. I told him I want dual controls, or at least a brake pedal on the passenger side. He dropped me at Sue’s, and she was still in her dressing gown, but we chatted about the night before.
‘He really, REALLY, REALLY likes you,’ she said, ‘you’re gonna have to be really careful or he’s going to get hurt.’ I know. Thing is, I like him more all the time.
Last night he’d talked to Sue about how we have to sneak around, and then he’d said, ‘But not for long.’ I said I thought it was because of Scotland, but she said she got the impression he was meaning more than that. He’d been asking her about if she thought we were suited (she had to be non-committal, because we patently aren’t!), and had asked her about my husband, and my exes. So she thinks he is a bit obsessed. Which I already know.
Thing is, I’m falling for him. I should have known I would. I think about him all the time. Yet when I close my eyes, I can’t see any future for us. He wants us to run away, and I would if it weren’t for my little boy. He says he can come too, but it’s not practical.
I know this is all about excitement, and forbiddeness and lust. But I’m infatuated and it feels so much like love.
Sunday 29th January 2017
You see what I mean about what a horrible person I was?
The unexplained thing here is that although my husband and I were separated, I didn’t want him to know I was still seeing Steve, because it was so much easier to not have the endless questioning and monitoring and disapproval. So I lied and was evasive a sneaky.
I know now that life is a lot easier, a lot kinder and a lot more authentic if you refuse to lie. Even the white lies we tell to ‘save people’s feelings’. I thought that in lying, outright and by omission, I was saving my ex-husband’s feelings. I was just making it worse.
The other thing to see in this post is the way that Steve wasn’t just love-bombing me, he was winning over my friends too, especially Sue, my best friend. This became important later on, when he used her and other friends to speak for him, and they influenced me in a way he couldn’t have. Actually, reading that, I can see that she was already influencing me, and becoming part of the mythology he was encouraging – that he was smitten and I was the one in control.
Everyone wants their partner’s friends to like them. Sociopaths do a type of love-bombing of those friends, because, just as their target is chosen because they are of use to the socio, their friends are useful too – they can be crucial tools in controlling the target.