“They’re one and the same, one and the same oh”
Monday 8th January 2007
On Saturday Steve texted me and that afternoon we went in his car to a service station to kiss and chat. He reckons that’s what most people do at that service station, although to me it looked like there was more of a dog-smuggling thing going on.
He is into the Libertines and Babyshambles, so we were chatting about Pete Docherty. He thinks I am like Kate Moss :)) Hmm, apart from the cheekbones, body, and lifestyle, he may be on to something.
Sue was an absolute star and said he could bring his dog (his excuse) around for an hour before we went out on the night. I took her a bottle of wine and a book, and got there early to help her get dressed. Then Steve turned up without the dog, he’d told his girlfriend he was pricing up a job (he’s a builder). He did have a can of Special Brew with him, and there was no way I could resist pointing out that tramps drink it. Sue went next door to Heather’s, and then after about half an hour Steve said it was no good, there was no way he could leave me now, so he phoned his gf and told her he’d met a mate and was it ok to go for a drink? Which it was.
We joined Sue and Heather at hers, and then we all went off to the pub. Although he has nothing in common with me, he is one of those people who gets on easily with other people, so we were having a good time the four of us: it was only on Sunday that I’d find out what I’d missed.
Tony was around and being as letchy as ever. Steve asked me if he was an ex, and I said no, he was Sue’s ex. Then we somehow got to talking about Keith, and he got in a bit of a mood about the whole thing, dunno why. In the end, Sue overheard and told him that nothing had happened with Keith for ages, and that he was binned now anyway.
We went off to the club then, and met a few of his friends. Then we had a bit of a panic when I thought I’d lost his ring. After moving a sofa (and all the people on it!) I finally saw I’d got it on a different finger to usual!
Sue and Heather went off for a curry, but we stayed in the club until it closed. Steve said that he didn’t like me wearing my wedding ring at all (I wear it on my right hand now), so I put it in my pocket. At the time it seemed like a small thing to do to please him.
When the club closed we walked home, stopping to kiss on every corner. We were talking and I said that it had crossed my mind that he was with me because he thinks I have money, and really I don’t: the money I’m using at the moment is from my dad for Xmas. So then he had an absolutely mega-strop and stormed off. I wasn’t going to go after him, but I then I thought it was such a stupid thing to wreck everything over, and I did. Then everything was ok again – and he said if I hadn’t gone after him he would have come back anyway.
We swapped jackets so that we could smell eachother when we went to bed. I slept in his, and we texted until we fell asleep: not long as it was 3.30 by the time I got in.
I really miss him when I’m not with him.
Saturday 28th January 2017
I’ve fallen off the ‘exactly 10 years ago’ wagon, firstly because I got ill with a virus and was in bed/wiped out for two weeks. Then this past week, where I could have updated, I somehow couldn’t bring myself to do it. It’s partly the knowing what is to come, but even more it is being faced with the me of ten years ago. I really didn’t understand how much I have changed until I re-read my original blog. I knew that I had no boundaries, that I was addicted to love, a woman who loved too much etc etc. I had no idea what a self-obsessed, delusional idiot I was. I don’t like me from 10 years ago.
Another reason to be grateful to Steve – imagine if I hadn’t met him? I might still be like that :-O
I had already changed a lot since my 20s, which is really what I wanted to talk about on this blog entry.
When Steve stormed off in a strop, that would have been the end of it in my 20s. My coping skills at that time were directly learned from my mother (a narcissist, I now realise), and consisted of sulking and tantrumming. If he’d have walked off, I’d have walked in the other direction and never spoken to him again. Blocked and deleted.
However, as I got older, I realised that my way of relating to people and the way I viewed the world (basically trying to control everything with tantrums and sulks), were major contributions to me having depression. After a breakdown in 1993, I started seriously workng at Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) for depression, and then extrapolated it out to life in general, how I related to people etc.
In the years following, I had a lot of craniosacral therapy and visceral manipulation, as I was going on courses to learn them myself. The combination of all of this stuff meant that by 2007 I was quite calm in the way I expressed myself, was very rarely angry, would tend to be conciliatory in arguments, and had gone back to my natural easy-going and people-pleasing self. Way less tantrums and definitely no sulking.
So I went after him when he walked away. When you aren’t boundaried, self-development and spiritual growth can leave you vulnerable to abuse.
Something else that occurred to me as I read this was the thing about losing his ring. I thought I knew the first incidence of him gaslighting me (in retrospect – had no idea at the time), but reading this, I think it could have actually been this. I mean, how would you not notice if a ring had simply moved fingers? You only have to hold you hand in front of you, you’d see it as you were searching etc. But the ring wasn’t a tight fit (it was one of his he gave me to wear), it would have been easy enough for him to remove it as we held hands, and then replace it in the same way. Or maybe I’m reading too much into it?
Finally there is the projection and control – he was jealous, despite hardly knowing me, of another man I hardly knew. And he had me already changing my behaviour to keep him happy (not wearing my wedding ring).
This night should have seen me running for the hills. Instead I falling harder all the time.