The Madness Continues

happyfeetpicA whole bunch of non-committal penguins

Thursday 4th January 2007

I texted Keith on New Years Day to say happy new year, and that I’d broken my resolution already with that text. He texted back as maiden aunt as ever asking what it was. I told him I’d been supposed to forget him, but I had a good memory. Haven’t heard a thing since. So one dilemma sorted anyway.

Steve texts all the time. We keep on sneaking around to meet on street corners or in my car. I have really bad stubble rash. I’m hoping he’ll be out on Saturday, but the major madness is that I am going to Scotland next Thursday to meet a friend from abroad, and he is coming with me.

Thing is, I know there’s no way this can go anywhere. There is no future for me and him, it is a pure lust thing on my side. A lust thing that is sending me crazy and making me deliriously happy at the same time, bit I still know that somehow me and Keith will be together. I know this is nuts, but I still feel it, once again in spite of all the evidence. Whereas with Keith I feel like I’ve come home, with Steve I feel like I’m at Alton Towers. There’s no way I can resist that.

I don’t want to hurt him, and I’m expecting that once he’s seen the reality of a 41 year old body, that has had a child, he’ll realise this isn’t what he wants for life either. But three nights in a fantasy hotel; it has to happen.

Sue and I took the kids to see ‘Happy Feet’. There’s a bit where the main penguin tells his girlfriend to leave him, ‘it’s not you, it’s me, I’m not ready to commit etc etc’. Sue and me look at each other and laughed, because of Keith. ‘He’s your next boyfriend!’ she whispers.

That’s another attraction of Steve. After all the penguins, it’s nice to be adored.

Thursday 5th January 2017

It’s pathetic how I thought I was in control, how I thought I was the one calling the shots, holding on to my heart and just going along for that roller-coaster ride that socios are so good at providing. When all along he was the one who could never truly care for another person.

I was just shiny and new. I stayed shinier than most for a very long time, despite the amount he used me. But eventually, I tarnished just like all the rest, and I was thrown away without a backwards glance. But that is a looong way in the future for the woman I was in 2007.

I didn’t love him at this point, but I loved how he made me feel when I was with him.

The thought that I could ever hurt him? Don’t make me laugh, 41-year-old Me!


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